Co-parenting is an increasingly popular arrangement after divorce, where both parents play an equal role in raising their children. While it is not always easy, co-parenting can be very positive for children when done well. In this article, we provide practical tips for a successful co-parenting arrangement.
What is co-parenting?
In co-parenting, both parents share care and upbringing tasks more or less equally. The children live alternately with both parents, often in a week-on-week-off schedule. The starting point in Dutch family law is that children have the right to equal care by both parents after divorce (article 1:247 BW). The court bases the determination of a care arrangement on the best interests of the child, and co-parenting is seen as a good implementation of this, provided the circumstances allow it.
The parenting plan: the foundation of co-parenting
Since 2009, divorcing parents with minor children are required to draw up a parenting plan (article 815 paragraph 2 Rv). This plan contains agreements on: the division of care and upbringing tasks, the main residence of the child, how parents inform each other about important decisions, the division of costs (child support), and how disputes are resolved. A good parenting plan is detailed enough to prevent misunderstandings but flexible enough to adapt to changing circumstances. Think about arrangements for vacations, holidays, birthdays, school choices, and medical decisions.
Communication: the key to success
The most important success factor in co-parenting is good communication between the parents. This can be challenging, especially if the divorce was emotional. Some tips: communicate in a business-like and respectful manner, avoid discussing adult problems in front of children, use a communication tool that works for both (email, app, or a special co-parenting app), regularly discuss how the children are doing, and be willing to compromise. Remember that as parents you are a team for your children, even though you are no longer partners.
Practical tips for the week-on-week-off arrangement
The most common form of co-parenting is a week-on-week-off arrangement. Some practical tips: ensure the children have their own space with their own belongings at both parents' homes, keep fixed rituals and rules as similar as possible at both homes, avoid switching on Monday (this creates stress for school days) and prefer Friday after school, provide a packing list so important items are not forgotten, and make arrangements for homework and school matters. For younger children, a shorter cycle may work better, such as switching every two or three days.
When does co-parenting not work?
Co-parenting is not always the best solution. It does not work well in cases of domestic violence, serious addiction issues, or when the parents absolutely cannot communicate. The distance between the homes of both parents also plays a role: if children need to travel far, this can be burdensome. In such cases, a different care arrangement may be better, where the child has a main residence with one parent and a visitation arrangement with the other parent. The court will always use the best interests of the child as the standard.
Help with setting up your co-parenting arrangement
Drawing up a good co-parenting arrangement requires care and knowledge of family law. A specialized attorney can help you draft a parenting plan that takes into account the specific needs of your family. Mediation can also be a good option to reach agreements together. At Advocaat bij Scheiden, we are happy to assist you with expert advice on co-parenting and all other aspects of divorce with children.