Divorce is one of the most impactful events in a child's life. Regardless of their age, children feel the impact of their parents' divorce. As a parent, you can do a lot to protect your child and make the transition as smooth as possible. In this article, we discuss the legal and emotional aspects of divorce with children.
The best interests of the child come first
In Dutch family law, the best interests of the child are central. Article 1:247 BW provides that the child has the right to care and upbringing by both parents. In all decisions about children after divorce, whether concerning custody, residence, or visitation, the best interests of the child are the guiding standard. The court will always prioritize the interests of the child over the wishes of the parents. This principle is also established in the International Convention on the Rights of the Child (UNCRC), article 3.
Custody after divorce: joint or sole
After divorce, both parents retain joint custody over their children in principle (article 1:251 BW). This means both parents make decisions together about important matters such as school choice, medical treatments, and relocation. Only in exceptional cases can the court assign custody to one parent (sole custody). This only happens if there is an unacceptable risk that the child will become stuck or lost between the parents, or if a change of custody is otherwise necessary in the child's interest (article 1:251a BW).
Talking to your child about the divorce
How you tell your child about the divorce is crucial. Some guidelines: tell them together as parents if possible. Use language appropriate for your child's age. Emphasize that it is not the child's fault. Assure your child that both parents will continue to love them. Be honest but do not share adult details or conflicts. Give your child space to ask questions and express emotions. Repeat the message that the child may love both parents.
The emotional impact on children by age group
Babies and toddlers (0-3 years) notice changes in routine and atmosphere. They need stability, consistent caregivers, and a predictable daily routine. Preschoolers (3-6 years) may think the divorce is their fault. They need reassurance and clear, simple explanations. Primary school children (6-12 years) understand more of the situation but may experience loyalty conflicts. They should not be placed in a position where they must choose between parents. Teenagers (12-18 years) have their own opinion and must be heard. From age 12, they are actually heard by the court about the care arrangement.
The child interview at court
Children aged 12 and older are invited by the court for a child interview when proceedings are pending about custody, contact, or residence. In this interview, the child can give their opinion. The child does not decide, but the court takes the child's opinion into account in the decision. Younger children can also be heard if the court considers this in the child's interest. It is important that you do not coach or pressure your child before this interview. The child must be free to give their own opinion.
Professional help for children in divorce
Children can benefit from professional guidance during and after divorce. Consider programs like KIES (Children in Divorce Situations), therapy with a child psychologist, or conversations through school. As a parent, you can also seek help from a mediator or therapist to learn how to best deal with your child during this difficult period. At Advocaat bij Scheiden, we understand that children deserve extra protection in divorce. We are happy to advise you on all legal and practical aspects to safeguard your children's well-being.